A Definitive Guide to Awards Show BS

If you follow the road to the awards shows this time of year, like I do, you probably have read a self-serving interview with an actor, director, or producer already ready to cross the dais and thank the Academy. These profiles generally appear in Sunday magazines, feature soft focus pictures and even more hot air. However meaningless these interviews may seem, the celebrities featured are trying to tell us something—we mortals just can’t understand what it is. Here is my attempt at translation.

“Listen, I still drive my kids to school each day”

It’s nice sometimes to see that the little people are still there. While they wouldn’t know me from Moses a week ago, I can’t help enjoying the looks on their faces now.

“I’m really getting to know my cast and crew now that we’ve hit the awards circuit”

While I had a hard time on set dealing with egos, they now make Natalie Portman’s character in Black Swan look like Bo Peep.

“I’m so grateful to the studio for believing in such a small movie.”

They only shut down production twice and ordered thirteen script rewrites. It was almost a miracle.

“I’m so surprised. This is so unexpected. We’re such a small, small indie, film.”

It’s just like the studio hadn’t spent three million dollars on ad buys and billboards.

“I’m just enjoying the ride.”

Excuse me, I have to go nervous-vomit in the bathroom, but I’ll be back poolside in a moment.

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One response to “A Definitive Guide to Awards Show BS

  1. LOL what a cynic.

    I mean, you’re probably right… but still! 😛

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